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In 5 more sleeps – its show time!
In some aspects that is hard to believe, and part of me is going “sleep, you think you are going to get sleep!” Yeah- we will see lol. In fact I hardly got any sleep last night.
This has been a journey in so many ways.
Yesterday I came over to Vancouver on the ferry, and I am nicely settled into the house of my dear friends. It is wonderful to have a place to land, to relax, to just be, allow myself to sink into myself for this amazing event.
Yesterday one of my Facebook memories- and it was that nine years ago yesterday was discharge day for me, from the psych unit. I would go there to be in a safe, supported and contained space to process some of my trauma. I needed to be safe from myself also.
I thought it was interesting as that memory post came up, and there was no way I could have imagined I really would be steeping onto the coveted Red Rug.
On Saturday the 6th of February, I stood on that coveted red rug during rehearsal- I have to say, it was amazing!!! And once again, it was recorded so we could see it later.
These past four months have been challenging with the #TEDxSurrey stuff, but it has also been very challenging in other aspects.
I have come a long way with regards to my trauma, triggers etc- if you look at where I started, and where I am now, it is not just planets apart- but galaxies apart.
As I have mentioned before- some times of the years are harder than others, and the hardest is usually November to March. I haven’t had much issue with this in many years- but this time round, it was different. It was fecking awful.
Working through this stuff was exhausting, heart wrenching, triggering etc- and many times when doing the TEDxSurrey work and zooms I was not at my best. December was really hard as one zoom, I didn’t know if I was going to make, but was determined I was going to. It took everything I had- but there was also something else that was different.
As I mentioned in the last post, stuff was coming up fast and furious- but I was determined to stick with it. I was having a huge issue with looking at the camera- as I was processing past trauma around cameras, and the body was remembering and reliving everything- which is actually good because it means it was able to release it- but it was hard.
I sent my coach an email, letting her know what was going on and to let the other coaches know this- and that even though I was unable to look at the camera, it did not mean I was not engaged, paying attention etc. They were safe to tell, and it worked out fine, and I was able to relax towards the end and look at the screen/camera etc.
But man, that took a lot of work and a lot of energy.
This has been an amazing experience, and yes- very much like a 4-month Outward Bound Canada course. Now that I think of it, the experiances from Outward Bound, have laid a very strong foundation to build my life on and helps me to get through chalenges - and this was no different.
I had many doubts, wondered what I was doing, why I thought I could even do this etc. But like the last few days of the course, you realize, yes you not only made it, but through the challenges you were stronger, wiser and often surprised yourself on what you realized and found about yourself.
And like Outward Bound there has been amazing support all the way through this adventure. And here is another example.
We – the speakers- had to option to do 2 more run throughs of our script and talk, and we would get feedback. One was with past TEDx speakers- which I did do, and the other one was with a Toastmasters club. I also signed up for this one.
However, last Wednesday evening something came up and I couldn’t make it. I let the organizers know, and what did they do? They pulled up the recording from the last rehearsal- the one on the red carpet- and through the technology, showed it to the Toastmasters club. That was above and beyond the call of duty! As I said before- the whole TEDxSurrey team have been so supportive.
In 5 days, I will be walking onto the Coveted Round Red Rug at TEDxSurrey. I may only have a few stairs to climb, but this is another major summit I have reached. There have been many challenges, trails, caverns, log bridges, dragons slain and fears faced to get to this point. It has not been easy, and I have not done this alone.
This has been a group effort, and the membership is huge, -62 years’ worth of memberships and thousands- (I’m sure) of folks who have helped along the way. As I walk across that stage and step onto the Red Rug, you will all be there with me, along with my ancestors whose tenacity I have inherited. I know when I’m standing on that stage, the universe is lovingly holding me in its arms, and celebrating my return home to my true authentic self. Its been a hell of an adventure, and this is something to celebrate.
Thank you all for supporting, believing in me, and helping me along this trail called life.
Until next time
Be well, be safe, and take care of yourselves, and each other.
Untill next time
Suzy
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